--During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

--When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to one another.

--If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade-at any time of year.

--All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman, but only to the waist of the man lying next to her.

--The Chief of Police will almost always susped his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

--All grocery bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.

--It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

--The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

--Police departments give their police officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

--The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

--All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

--If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you weren't carrying any before now.

-- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

--Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

--If your town is threatened by an iminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's fist concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

--A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

--When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

--The Chief of Police is always black.

--Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

--If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

--Mothers routinely cook bacon, eggs, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.

--Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

--All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

--A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

--Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

--Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

--It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

--Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

--It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

--A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

--It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

--When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

--No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

--Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

--You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

--Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door of a burning building with a child trapped inside.

--Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.